We sat next to this guy at the bar one night. He was pouring vodka shots INTO a plastic cup full of Lone Star beer. The bar does not offer plastic cups... he brought his own. Upon realizing that the things he was saying were hilarious, we decided to jot them all down on bar napkins and share them with you guys. He actually said all these things.


"To my knowledge, no one has set foot in England except my wife and myself."

"2000 miles from here anyway, but you gotta make a lot of u-turns."

"Do you see the sun fall through the sky several hours a day?"

"How many stop signs, 7 or 8?"

"Dogs don't go in reverse."

"You're not a X or a Y, you're a Z."

"4, 5, just go home. Not cause I'm an 8."

"You have to know what O means to understand Q.
S is plural. W is you lose. You're blowing me."

"Who needs men?"

"Provincially, there are differences, like a U in colour."

"'TH' like in thine or the or there or the pin goes in."

"When you have a six month old whose biological father... NEXT STORY! I'm on a jet liner
and I hear a screaming baby and I'm throwing everybody from coach out the window."

"My wife, who is three months younger than me, is less biologically a human than me,
so you're just yanking my chain."

"You couldn't predict that a fast car was coming here,
but stupidly you put your babies in front of it."

"Whatever you do, just get the fuck out of here."

"H is I, and I is me, mixed with almost pure alcohol."

"You take cherries with the stems out, put them in a glass jar
and put the jar in boiling water. Take it out and put it in cold water and it makes jelly.
Hide it in the basement, because I don't know how well he sees yet."

"If I had a gun, I'm gonna kill any asshole that walks out the door.
If they ask, I'm gonna have to breathe and things."

"I'm not leaving till you give me another round. Then somehow is an illusion."

"I don't seem to have half of what I gave back."

"Do you know what an avocado is? It makes guacamole. I had two of them for dinner."

"I need a hero."

"On PBS, there was this special about DNA tests and my DNA matched."