Christmas this year was extra stressful. Begin rant about my day: I woke up all chipper and ready to start the day off right. My mom hadn't gotten me anything, because I had just been granted a large sum of money to help me with bills, etc. Which was great, but it was a little disappointing not to have anything to open. No biggie, so I went to my dad's house to say hi to him before the festivities at home started. (Poor granny got stuck with the flu, so my entire huge ass family got redirected to our house for Xmas dinner) I dropped by dads to say hello and exchange presents, and then visited my paternal grandmother at her house for a while. I saw the family, said hello, and was on my way home to help mom prepare for the get-together. Everyone got there and they kept leaving the door wide open when they were coming in and out. I made an announcement to everyone that we had a new cat in the house who is declawed, so he can't go outside, and to please keep the door closed and keep and eye out to make sure he didn’t get out. (which brought back painful memories of how mad I was that he got declawed against my will in the first place, but that’s a different rant) People left the door open anyway, which just made me look like a bitch for standing guard at the door and closing it behind everyone. (we live in Texas, where the mosquitoes are bigger than rats even in the winter time, so they shouldn’t have been leaving it open ANYWAY, especially after I nicely asked them not to.)

So my bratty little bastard cousin (the son of the couple from my wedding article) kept wanting to go outside and leaving the door open every time he went. I went out after him and calmly asked him not to go outside unsupervised and to close the door behind him. He’s only three years old, so he is not safe by himself. I am known for having very little patience for bratty children, so I don’t know quite how I got put in charge of looking after him. But I did, so I dutifully followed him around our yard.

We have a pond filled with gigantic (expensive and high-maintenance) goldfish and koi, and he kept trying to throw shit in the pond: toys, dirt, leaves, you name it. He said he was trying to feed them, so I went and got some food so he could throw that instead of his toys. He threw the food in and started making his Buzz Lightyear doll "swim." I asked him to stop and made him promise he wouldn't get near the water again. He promised. He finished promising and proceeded to walk straight back over to the water and throw dirt into it. When I asked him why he was throwing stuff in it, he held up this tiny MINUSCULE piece of food smaller than a peppercorn and was like "I was throwing this food in! See?" and proceeded to throw the food kernel in, as if that would prove to me that he had been doing that all along. I was like "Nope! You promised you wouldn’t and you did anyway! Let's go inside, you can't behave out here." He was all "Noooooo. I really promise this time! Blah Blah Blah Blah! whine! bitch moan! Can I please stay outside?!" I refused to fall for it. He is EXACTLY like his stupid parents. His dad is the same damn way. He will lie and lie and lie some more just to hear himself talk, even when the story gets to the point of absolute impossibility. And now his friggin' kid is growing up to be the exact same way.

Anyway, I made him come in the house and as soon as I was inside he turned 180 degrees and ran back out. He started tearing my mom's banana trees down. I walked in straight faced and out of patience and said “Mom, he’s tearing your yard down. If you care, go stop him.” She busily said, "But you're supposed to be watching him!" Like I CARE at this point. I officially resigned my position as his designated watchperson. He ran around the place like an idiot all damn day long terrorizing my kitties and trying to open everyone else's gifts. That kid is going to be such an asshole when he grows up. He's an asshole already, but people still think it's cute because he's so little. My awesome buddy Jude and I both agree, as I’m sure some of you do, that it is possible for a three year old to be a full-fledged asshole, not just a brat. This kid is a shining example of that.

Later I was talking to his father, my first cousin who is a couple years older than me, and he had seen the 311 sticker I have on my car. He's the kind of person that will mention something he knows you like just so you'll think he's cool, and of course he brought up the recent 311 concert. Him: "You like 311, right? I went to see them last month." Me: "Oh, really? cool." Him: "Yep.” He proceeds to pull out a ticket stub from his wallet and hand it to me.

The simple fact that he thought he had to show me the ticket stub to prove he went makes me think he didn't go to the concert at all, just found someone's ticket stub and brought it to show me. He is such an idiot. He knows I like them, he shouldn't have had to ask, I have PICTURES with members of the band from a couple years ago and I have SHOWED them to him before. "Dur da dur! Do ya like 311?" YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER SO WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?!? GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Later, everyone was handing out gifts, and I couldn’t help noticing that I didn't get ANY. I got one envelope from my grandma (the one who was home sick with the flu) with money for my upcoming trip to LA, and a couple of cards. I didn't want to say anything because that's selfish, but I was really pissed underneath my content facade. Later on, my aunt came up to me and handed me a wad of cash and said "Here, we didn't want to give you this in front of your cousin because we didn't get him anything." So that made me feel better, and I ended up with a bunch of money.

My bratty ass little cousin got a million presents that he didn’t deserve, and he didn’t appreciate a single one of them. He got this gigantic basketball set and didn’t even get the paper all the way off before he began ignoring it. He took his hand and made one rip, saw what it was, and turned away. When I was a kid, sure, I was greedy. But I had enough sense to at least PRETEND like I appreciated the things I got, even if I didn’t really like them.

This story doesn’t really have a definite end. The family members finally trickled out of the house and I had a throbbing headache. No one forgot any good presents at my house, so I had nothing to play with. But at least it was over. Thankfully we had a good enough time on New Years Eve to make up for my cruddy Christmas.