This Movie was No Good.

I was just dragged by my roommate to see "Pitch Black," and while it wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen, I still have enough negative things to say about it to provide enough pissy words for a new article.

As the movie opens, we see some sort of giant ship, traveling through space. Space. Oh boy. I hate space movies, to begin with, so I was biased from the start. The narrator is, apparently, a bald guy with a blindfold, strapped to something inside this ship. There are random people strapped elsewhere, we don't really know why. The narrator says it sounds like there are about forty people. He describes the way they sound and smell. Yawn. Then we find out that there are, indeed, forty people on the ship. The blindfolded guy is a damned good guesser.

Why they're being transported in such a manner isn't clearly explained, and they're cryogenically frozen or something similar, but that's not really clear either. Suddenly, we hear loud noises and the camera jerks around a lot. This lets us know that something bad has happened. A woman flies out of her little cryogenic(?) compartment and falls on the floor. A man does the same, and yells "Why did I fall on you?!?!"...which sounds really funny at the time, but apparently, the gravity is supposed to be turned off, and has suddenly come on. This indicates big problems. We also learn that the captain has died. How or why, we aren't sure. There's a big hullabaloo, and they end up crash landing on some planet somewhere near good ol' Saturn.

We find out that the blindfolded guy is a murderer who is in custody and is being transported...uh...somewhere. For some reason. All the characters hate him and want to kill him, but it's obvious that he's the only one with half a brain. There's a pill-popping cop-like guy with a southern drawl who's always yelling at the blindfolded guy. We assume he's the cop in charge of transporting him, but later we find out that he's not a cop. They had made one thing clear, but then they changed it? Christ. Also, I should mention that the blindfolded guy seems to be all-knowing. Oh, and I guess while I'm mentioning things, I should also mention that his eyes glow, and he has night-vision. Just a regular ol' Joe...with glowy eyes.

So people are being killed off left and right by this scary animal that lives in dark places. Every time some idiot wanders off into somewhere dark, he/she is killed. They figure out that the creatures can't go into light after a few more people are killed. As long as they're in the light, they're safe. Then comes the inevitable eclipse.

The blindfolded guy ends up being the savior, I guess. He still seems to know everything already, so he takes charge. The woman who fell on the floor earlier is still around, and she seems to be the main character. She goes in a dark cave-type thing where a man was just killed. There are at least three men there, yet they send her in the cave with a chain clamped to her waist. Of course, the scary creature is there and it almost gets her, but she narrowly escapes. Whew.

Towards the end, there are only four of them left, and three of them are hiding out in a cave, waiting for the blindfolded guy to save them. We like the blindfolded guy at this point, but then he turns into a bastard. The woman comes to look for him, and he tries to get her to abandon the other two and leave with him. She yells and screams and spits, and so they go back for the other two. They're almost to the ship, when one of the creatures corners the blindfolded guy, who miraculously overpowers it (This provokes the audience into a fit of applause and cheering).

Unfortunately, the woman is killed by the creature. She was the only likable character in the movie, and they kill her off in the last few scenes. Then the blindfold guy and the two people left (a religious man and a young girl posing as a boy) get aboard the ship and zoom away from the evil planet forever, which makes one wonder..."why didn't they do that in the first place?"