I Hate Steve Fixx -by Siren

I work the night shift at a car sales magazine, and am forced, by the intervention of Satan, to listen to KLOL from the time I arrive until the time the gates of Hell are opened and I am allowed to leave. Those of you who aren't from Houston and aren't familiar with KLOL, ought to consider yourselves incredibly lucky. It's Houston's only radio station dedicated to butt-rock and satisfying dirty old men who are home downloading porn while their wives are fast asleep in the next room. Speaking of dirty old men, I especially hate Steve Fixx. He's the DJ on duty during my shift at work, and I pray every evening that today will be the day Steve Fixx was struck by lightning or murdered by a disgruntled housewife on his way in to work. Mr. Fixx's "catch phrase," if you can call it that, is to yell (or play a recording of himself yelling) "FIIIIXXXXX!" as annoyingly as possible, so it sounds like a giant belch. He does so directly after he's said something stupid or chauvinistic. As you might imagine, he yells his name an awful hell of a lot.

Steve Fixx's latest bout with total idiocy occurred when he was discussing the birth of Melissa Etheridge's daughter. He commenced to referring to Etheridge's girlfriend as her "lesbonian lover" and began a rant on how "lesbos" and gay people in general should not be allowed to have children. He went on to describe his idea of what a gay person's life is like, saying that a child should not be exposed to such things as his "mommies" fondling one another and "flamers coming over to the house at all hours." My only question is, who the hell gave Steve Fixx the idea that he is any more well-adjusted than anyone else? If Steve Fixx has been allowed to breed, I cringe at the thought of the extent of his child-rearing abilities. One would assume they include lessons on how to smash beer cans on one's head and pinch the asses of teenage girls. He attempted to justify his prejudgments of gay people by informing the listening audience that his uncle is gay, so he knows all about "the gay lifestyle." Yes, obviously.

The radio is never allowed to stray from the evil clutches of KLOL. There's a steady stream of butt-rock pounding through the air anywhere from eight to fourteen hours a night/morning. Today is "Two for Tuesday," which means that, instead of one Metallica song every fifteen minutes, we get to hear two Metallica songs every fifteen minutes. Sure there are worse bands than Metallica, and you can leave it to KLOL to overplay every single one of them.

If you're in the Houston area in the wee hours of the morning, and want to hear male chauvinists play butt-rock, set your radio dial to FM 101, but we suggest you instead set it to 107.5 and listen to the delightful Johnny Maze not be a dirty bastard. The play list might be limited, but I can guarantee that you won't hear two Rush songs in a row. Hell, you probably won't even hear half a Rush song. You probably won't even hear Yes.