If I were gay, I'd be a disgrace to the gay community
by a very annoyed Seven
author's note: you'll notice there will be lots of words in quotation marks. You, the reader, are required to picture me doing the little "quotey-finger-gesture" each and every single time you see them. Thank you.
As you may or may not know, I work at a gay newspaper. We'll call it the HomoTattler, just for grins. Last weekend was the gay pride parade, and I was in charge of the HomoTattler's "float." I use the term "float" loosely because we didn't have enough money for a float. We had 2 cars and a van that I had to decorate with ribbon. Whoooo. I also had to buy candy to throw at the parade-goers. I had exactly $150 with which to do this. Now, being that we don't live in the year 1923, $150 didn't go very far. We had a scrawny bag of candy from the $1 store, some silver fringe, and some cheap-o rainbow colored streamers. Both my boss and I added in money out of our own pockets, but it didn't help much... but I digress. The point of this introduction is that at the parade, I asked someone a simple question and he ended up writing an article about what an idiot I am. It will be published in tomorrow's edition of the HomoTattler.
Let me begin this article by saying that I am not gay, I merely work at a gay newspaper. I had a girlfriend once, we were together for about a year, but I consider myself "straight," simply because the term "bisexual" sounds so lame. Being that I'm straight, I don't know much gay "history." I know a tad about Oscar Wilde, David Sedaris, and Melissa Ethridge, but that's about it. So when I asked this guy a simple question about why we have the Gay Pride Parade in the middle of the blazing-hot summer, I ended up having to lay out a page in my own damn newspaper about how I'm young, stupid, and don't care about the fabulous history of gay people, and therefore I am an idiot.
Here is the article in its entirety.
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Our fabulous history didn't seem to faze her one way or the other. It had no
impact whatsoever. The only reason we--and she--are able to hold this parade;
the only reason we--and she--are here at all, out in the daylight sporting all
things rainbow; the only reason we--and she--can feel proud and happy to be
gay, is because of Stonewall.
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Straight people have always been allowed to have parades. The only reason he ever would have had trouble being allowed to have a GAY PRIDE PARADE is because he likes to have gay-homo-butt-sex with other men... which I have no problem with, but it doesn't seem like something to be particularly proud of.
I think "pride" is something you should have based on some sort of choice that you've made or accomplishment you have...uh... accomplished. I don't think sexual orientation is the kind of choice that warrants pride. I don't see heterosexuality as something to be proud of or un-proud of, I just think it should be a non-issue. When I had a girlfriend, I was proud to be seen with her, but not because I was "gay." I was proud to be seen with her because my girlfriend was prettier than everyone else's. Being proud of your sexual orientation is no different then being proud of your race, in my opinion. You can't be "proud" to be white or black, because you didn't DO anything to become that way. You had no say in the matter. Of course, white supremecists (and gay supremecists... ha ha) shouldn't be ashamed of what they are. They should, however, just shut their lousy mouths about it and stop writing articles about people who don't give a rat's ass about their "fabulous history."
I think in this day and age, it's pretty dumb to assume that just because you happen to attend the gay parade that it automatically means you're gay. The mayor was in it, and he brought his wife. Gallery Furniture is a huge sponsor, but I somehow doubt that Mattress Mack is a homosexual. If you walk up to a guy listening to a rap song on the radio and ask him about Kwanzaa, you can't scoff when he doesn't know or care about it. You sure as hell can't write an article about what a moron he is.
This columnist scoffed at my indifference as if he expected me to fall to my knees and thank the lord for the Mighty Rioting Queers of Stonewall, as if I owed it to their community to give a damn about that stuff. Yes, I am young and I take many things for granted, but only because they ARE granted. Our grandparents gripe about how kids don't care about the good old days when there was no TV or air conditioning; this columnist gripes because I don't care about Stonewall when there were no gay rights; and Homosexuals in the year 2050 will gripe about the year 2001 when gays still couldn't legally marry. If what happened at Stonewall affected me and my life in any way whatsoever, I might care. But since I'M NOT GAY, I don't.
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Although I wanted to slap her silly for being so ignorant of our shared history,
I calmly gave her a succinct history of that famous bar in 30 words or less.
"Oh," she said without emotion, and went back to tying the streamers to the
bumper.
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I share no history with this man. I've never been a man, especially not a man who wanted to have sex with other men, I've never rioted for my rights, and before today, I had never had anyone tell 30,000 people they wanted to slap me silly. I suppose there's a first time for everything. I'm not proud OR happy to be gay. Come to think of it, I'm not proud, happy, or gay at all. I'm secure enough with my own sexuality to ride in the gay parade and not worry or care that everyone in this city now probably thinks I'm gay. I'm secure enough with my intelligence that I don't worry or care who thinks I'm stupid. I am also perfectly content to be a young, careless, ignorant, fool in the eyes that columnist, I just wish he didn't feel the need to tell the entire gay community about it.
(but since he did, I'm telling all of you, too.)